there once was a boy

whom i loved.

but he did not love me back, only a little bit.

just the tiniest bit to make me keep hoping.

one day i got sick of it.

i told him that i would always care about him, but i couldn't chase the friendship anymore.

the end of our friendship was very civil.

here is the saddest part of that story:

i still miss him.

draft

“Have you ever been to a tenebrae service?”
“Like around Good Friday? Yeah, I went to one at my church last year.”
“Tenebrae is Latin for ‘shadows’ or ‘darkness.’ What was your service like?”
“Well, seven votives were lit on the stage, and after each one of the seven last statements of Christ on the cross was read, one light was extinguished until we all stood in the dark there in the sanctuary and sang a hymn.”
“Imagine the darkness of that original Good Friday,” she said. “Think about it. Imagine being a Christ-follower standing there beneath the cross on the very day He died. This Man who had made such mighty promises is nailed to a tree and is dead. If I were there, I think I would weep at the base of that cross until my tears dried up and I simply sat in shock, staring at a dead body, hanging limp. Should I go home? Should I stay? What is the use of anything now? How will I readjust to life without purpose?”
“You’d feel like you lived a day too long, and now there is nothing for you,” I said.
“Exactly,” said Judy. “I bet those early Christians—in the interim darkness between the cross and the resurrection—could understand your misery.”
I waited. I was missing the point.
“On Sunday morning, Christ rose from the dead and conquered death!” she said. “Victory was just around the corner.”
“Oh.”
“The cross—that looked like the end of all hope that Good Friday—is now the symbol of hope for Christians today. We rejoice over the cross.”

trust

Over the past several months, some of the craziest/worst/stressful times have -- looking back -- been such lovely opportunities to trust Christ. I, of course, try to trust Him at all times, but as Scripture says, His strength is made perfect in my WEAKNESS. I am grateful that with Jesus, hard times can still be sweet.



Every August, I used to go to the Valleyfair amusement park in Shakopee and spend the day with camp friends. I remember one year (right before college, maybe?) when I finally decided to go on the Power Tower.

The Power Tower is a vertical thrill ride where riders are raised 250 feet into the air and then are plunged into a freefall at about 50 mph. You experience at least three seconds of weightlessness.


I was absolutely terrified and -- to be honest -- not quite sure how my friends had suckered me into this. Now, I'm not a coward, but I don't do always do so well with anticipation. I am scared of giant roller coasters not because of the tremendous drop but because of the long, slow, clicking climb to the top. There is too much anticipation. (Why can't roller coasters just start at the top? I seem to remember the Six Flags roller coasters doing this -- what a smart idea!) So the idea of getting strapped into a ride that would slowly raise you VERTICALLY up 250 feet into the air with the ONLY "reward" being that I could leave my stomach far behind ... well, it wasn't my favorite part of the day.


So, you take off your shoes and sit on this black plastic slat jutting out from the machine and get harnessed in, and then you're off. The slow, killer ride to the top.


I remember sitting at the top of the Power Tower, looking out over Valleyfair as the sun was setting, and the best way to describe how I was feeling at that moment was


SHEER TERROR.


But it was up there at the ride paused for what seemed like MINUTES, with the "fatal" drop looming ahead (or beneath!) me, I realized, God, I need You to get me through this. I need YOU to sustain me. I was surrounded by friends, but I felt it was just me and God up there on the top of the Power Tower. Me, glutted with anticipation and fear, and God -- and the knowledge that I had nothing to lean on but Him.


Meh, it probably sounds like a silly experience to you. I'm not sure how to describe it in a way that really captures how I felt at that moment, but I have never forgotten those stolen moments with my Savior up in the Shakopee sky. I guess that my point is that hard times can make us lean into God in ways that we just naturally DON'T when life is peachy. Hard times can really be so sweet.


These past few months have given me some hard-but-sweet opportunities to rely on Christ. They're incredibly uncomfortable, but it is such a lovely thing to be held by my Savior.

i am a terrible blogger.

maybe if I knew that people were following my blog, i would blog with more consistency.

so's you knows ... i've been working on the novel a lot lately. every day, actually. it feels good to be consistent. i'm reminded often of how much work is left on the book. i go from feeling wildly excited ("I wrote a BOOK!") to very overwhelmed ("...and it is not accomplishing all I want"), but it drives me to prayer ("Lord, make it all that YOU want!"), so that is a good thing. The entire process over the last two years has been intertwined with my relationship with Christ. my hope is that the final product (someday in the far away future) will honor Him-- that it will be something that He and I have written together, something that makes Him happy.

it has a long way to go.

currently reading: Irresistible Revolution by Shane Claiborne (thoughts, anyone?) and Running with Horses by Eugene Peterson and The Last Unicorn by Peter Beagle.

just finished: Goblet of Fire (relax, it's only my second time through the series!) and Imperfect Birds by Anne Lamott.

next up: Crazy Love by Francis Chan. It's been pretty hyped up to me, so we'll see how it goes!

i miss people. i miss camp people. i miss the shadow of a boy.

i wish i had more time. Jesus, make me productive in the 24 hours You grant me each day.

i love my small group.

ana, anika, arianna, nicole, tiff, jessica, lauren, brookie, gabi. they are precious. i love love love them! they are sophomores, juniors, and (one) senior in high school, and i meet with them on thursday nights, and we have a ball. love it.

decisions

I am a writer. I have been saying so lately, with confidence. "I'm a recruiter--and a writer." It feels good to be able to boldly label myself.

Let me show you something:
1) I write with quite a lot of consistency. I write most days.
2) I am loving the process of writing a novel. LOVING IT.
3) When I hang out with friends, I want to schedule writing dates.
4) I have been drawing the line, telling acquaintances "no" when they ask for certain favors. This might seem kind of cruel, but it makes me feel devoted actually.
5) I turned down an opportunity to help host the NWC spring variety show (which would have been SO FUN!) because I want more time to write.
6) I turned down an opportunity to be the primary speaker for a week of CAMP because I knew that the amount of prep work would take me away from my novel.
7) I turned down an opportunity to lead a week of morning devos/experiential worship for the same reason as above.

In other words, writing is a priority to me.

Many nights I pray about my novel, the writing process, etc., and I often find myself thanking God for making me a writer. It's interesting because--well--if I wasn't a writer, I guess I'd never know the difference. But I am and I do. The other night I prayed that I delight in words but that I also delight IN THAT DELIGHT.

I am blessed. I am a writer.

And so long as the world hasn't seen my manuscript yet, I can say that with confidence. :-)

i'm honored.

I was asked to be the keynote speaker for a week of camp.

But that's a big deal ... and a TON of prep work ... five messages!

And I'm VERY busy working on a novel.

Thoughts, anyone?

oh my goodness, i'm in love.

this is emeline grace, the daughter of my college roommate tracy.

she's two and AMAZING.

don't you just love this picture?? me too.

i have long hair again, in case you didn't know.

blonde too.

i wonder

what makes me think that I will succeed at blogging this time around?

I consistently blog for awhile and then lose interest ... I'm guessing that that will happen all over again.

Today's thought: I love my co-workers. We laugh so much in my office! Today Brian, Jessica, and I pranked one of our student workers, who was answering the visit office phone. We almost made her cry, but even she thought it was funny once she knew it was us! (Sorry Brenda!)

Tomorrow ... who knows?

Love,
jackie lea

ash wednesday

I went to my first Ash Wednesday service tonight. We did the whole ashes-on-the-forehead-in-the-shape-of-the-cross thing, and I thought two things:

1) This is probably the most cult-like thing I've done in a long time.
2) I love these visual reminders in Christianity. From dust I have come and to dust I shall return.

Love,
jackie lea

i haven't blogged for about a year now ...

but what if I started again? Would anyone read it?

Life lately:

Writing like crazy! It's been nearly two years working on my novel, and it is coming along, although there is still a long ways to go!

Trinity City Church ... I am on the launch team of an Evangelical Free church plant in St. Paul.

North Haven Student Ministries ... I have a small (but growing!) group of girls whom I meet with on Thursday nights.

Northwestern ... still enjoying admissions. Love my co-workers and the high schoolers and the college students, all.

Jesus ... always amazing. Yesterday, I was singing "Jesus, Lover of my Soul" and thinking about how incredible it is that the Holy and Almighty God loves my soul ... wow.

What else, what else? After a blogging hiatus of a year, there is much to be said. But we'll leave it at that and see who still follows this blog.

Comment if you read this!
Love,
jackie lea

my book!

In case you didn't know, I've been writing a book since May, and it's really coming together. I just spent time organizing my book into chapters, and I'm very eager for the next stage of the process!

Pray for me!

um ...

the email dialogue spiralled into a hurtful argument. :-(

our friendship might be over.

got an email today

and it was good but hard. i cried. but i'm ok. really.

or at least i will be. :-)

i wrote an email today

in which i asked a friend if we were going to stay friends. i was pretty straightforward about things, and i may have ruined a friendship. however, it wasn't going very well, so something needed to be said.

... or am i just too demanding of my friends?

trying again

So I think that maybe I will start blogging again; I'm a little nervous that my blog will be boring, but I'll give it a go.

Right now, I am working on my book. I have a first draft and hope to have another one soon. I am still working with the big picture and not ready for line editing yet, but we'll see how things go! I'm so excited! I've been loving the process, and I hope that my book (about my life with OCD) will be interesting and even helpful to others.

Life has been good, pretty busy. New news: I am a teenybopper once again. This time around, I love the Jonas Brothers. :-)

book.

i wrote one. a first draft at least. and i'm proud of it, but tonight i wrote for about 2.5 hours and ended up with mostly crap.

it's friday night, just past 11, and i'm actually going to bed earlier than during the week when i have to work in the morning. i am SO tired.

headed home tomorrow, should be fun!

post a comment if you read this, so i know who's out there!

Campus Construction -- Summer 2008

to my sister

kristin,

it is hard to blog when it feels like no one reads it. i know that you are not no one, but yeah.

i yuv you.