GET REAL (my chapel message)

Modified for my blog readers (and to protect the privacy of friends we have in common!). Also, please note that the writing is different because it is a TALK, not a PAPER (for you picky folk out there who will want to correct me on things ... shhh, you.)

I want to tell you a story about something that I was blessed to experience this summer at camp, at a week of 9th and 10th grade camp. It will serve as a good introduction to what I really want to share with you this morning.

I’m going to tell you a kind of secret this morning. I get really nervous to speak. It’s true. I even get nervous for the nervous FEELING. BUT! – when I am up in front of a crowd like this, I’m not nervous anymore. I get into my message and sharing and the flow, and the nerves get replaced.

That was not true this summer at camp. This summer, I was so nervous I felt like puking, and I felt pretty nervous all the way through and even CRIED near the end.

That was because this summer at camp, my message was about myself, my testimony, my story, and there is HUGE vulnerability in that!

So I stood in front of my entire camp during Fireside, the last portion of the daily schedule, where the whole camp gathers together in an old wooden lodge, and there’s a beautiful fire going in the fireplace. I shared with them that I suffer from an anxiety disorder called obsessive-compulsive disorder (or OCD). I was really, REALLY scared to tell people this because I wasn’t sure how they would react or what they would think of me. But I wanted the campers to feel free to open up to me about the things they were facing in their lives, and what better invitation than to step up and be the FIRST to share?

Almost immediately after we left fireside, while I was still worried about how the campers might respond, a young man asked if he could talk to me. Sure! I thought he probably just wanted to ask questions about OCD or thank me for sharing, but what he did was to take me aside and reveal that he too suffered from OCD. [A chunk of this story is removed.]

Today I want to talk to you about being REAL. I think it’s a HUGE topic because I feel like it is something that even if people KNOW, it is not something ACTED ON. I think you’ll agree with me that MANY of the people we encounter each day are – in some way or another – faking it. It could mean lots of different things. The devastation of a life spent hiding is massive, and the freedom of a life lived outloud and honestly is beautiful. Those are the biggest reasons for sharing with you about this today. I have personally gotten to experience some of these truths.

Let’s talk about being fake. We all know people who are fake, and it comes in lots of different forms. Some are people who are performers, who feel they must always be the best at everything or somehow things will all fall apart. Some are people who act like they don’t need anyone else or don’t care when people hurt them – they’re too “tough.” Some are people who have smiles eternally plastered over their faces, people who are always “happy,” always healthy, never tired, never rude, never bored, never bothered, never mistaken, and whose teeth beam sparkly white. Or it might just be a silent sufferer, someone who is dealing with some big issues but doesn’t share them for fear of being labeled “SINNER” and – in some ways – cast out of the circle and rejected. So they continue to stay quiet about their struggles.

I think that happens a lot of times in Christian circles. We are worried what other Christians will think of us if we don’t have our act together. Some people try to cover this up by becoming some kind of spiritual superhero. My college mentor Judy Hougen describes fake Christians this way in her book Transformed Into Fire: “We’re all haunted by some image of the perfect Christian – the person who is rarely ruffled, full of right answers, and tirelessly ‘there’ for everyone. Such people glide through life with a two-inch gap between their feet and the ground. They pray for ten hours a day and can recite the New Testament over coffee. And, most important, they seem to have no needs, no obvious wounds or weakness. They’re always cheerful, never touched by depression, loneliness, or other heavy emotions” (Hougen 139).

A good way to consider this concept is of mask-wearing. MASKS, MASKS, MASKS!!! Hurting or struggling people who put on a mask to cover it up. There are so many different kinds that people wear – “I don’t care” – “I’m not hurt” – “I am self-sufficient.” Robert Ezra Park, a sociologist, said, “It is probably no mere historical accident that the word person, in its first meaning, is a mask. It is rather a recognition of the fact that everyone is always and everywhere, more or less consciously, playing a role.”

Judy Hougen, my college mentor, calls this mask-wearing “living in the ‘false self.’ ” Pretending to be perfect – of performing so that others think you have things together. She writes, “the false self in one person attracts the false self within others” (Hougen 139). WOW. Think about that. The false self in one person attracts the false self within others. It makes so much sense! If I act like a person who has everything all together, why would you want to approach me and tell me that something horrible is going on in your life and these are all the things you are bad at? No – my false self makes YOU want to look the same way. And so my false self draws out yours, and we just keep on saying, “How are you?” “GREAT, and you?” “GREAT!!! More lemonade?” when we actually feel AWFUL.

WHY do we wear masks? Fear. We fear being seen as dumb, vulnerable, left out, friendless, weak. We obviously need greater confidence in Who We Are as Christians. A believer is (according to SCRIPTURE) a child of God, Christ’s friend, redeemed and forgiven, a new creation, God’s workmanship, a member of Christ’s body, reconciled to God, a saint, a citizen of Heaven, and hidden with Christ in God. I think we will be less likely to wear masks the more we learn WHO WE ARE IN JESUS. Scripture, prayer, and experience will fuel that identity. (There are a million more things I could say about that – read your Bibles, friends!)

I would love to watch the Christian community begin to peel off their masks. AND to receive our unmasked brothers and sisters with grace and assist them toward healing. Just listening with grace would be a huge first step of their healing. Listen to this poem I found. The author is unknown, but it has been published in many books. It’s long; I cut some things out. I think it’s wonderful. It might describe you today – or the person sitting beside you.

THE MASK I WEAR
Don't be fooled by me.Don't be fooled by the face I wear for I wear a mask. I wear a thousand masks- masks that I'm afraid to take off and none of them are me.Pretending is an art that's second nature with meI give you the impression that I'm secureThat all is sunny and unruffled with me within as well as without, that confidence is my name and coolness my game, that the water's calm and I'm in command, and that I need no one.But don't believe me. Please! I panic at the thought of my weaknesses and fear exposing them.That's why I frantically create my masks to hide behind.They're nonchalant, sophisticated facades to help me pretend, To shield me from the glance that knows.I dislike hiding, honestlyI dislike the superficial game I'm playing, the superficial phony game.I'd really like to be genuine and me. But I need your help, your hand to hold Even though my masks would tell you otherwise That glance from you is the only thing that assures me of what I can't assure myself, that I'm really worth something.But I don't tell you this. I don't dare. I'm afraid to.I'm afraid you'll think less of me, that you'll laugh and your laugh would kill me.I'm afraid that deep-down I'm nothing, that I'm just no good and you will see this and reject me.So I play my game, my desperate, pretending game With a facade of assurance without And a trembling child within.So begins the parade of masks, The glittering but empty parade of masks, and my life becomes a front.I idly chatter to you in suave tones of surface talk.I tell you everything that's nothing and nothing of what's everything, of what's crying within me.So when I'm going through my routine do not be fooled by what I'm saying Please listen carefully and try to hear what I'm not sayingHear what I'd like to say but what I can not say. you wonder who I am you shouldn't for I am everyman and everywoman who wears a mask.Don't be fooled by me.At least not by the face I wear.

A cry for help! I love this poem; it smacks of such honesty, and that is so refreshing! I hope this person found someone who listened to his (or her) stories and was able to accept him (or her) and help that person toward healing.

“The false self in one person attracts the false self in others” … I think the direct opposite is also true. Honest sharing from one person draws out honest sharing from another person. My friend Megan says, “Freedom begets freedom,” a shorter way to say the same thing. I think it is very true. Freedom begets freedom. I think that idea is modeled very well in my experience with the young man at camp, who also struggled with OCD, but listen to this story.

After I shared my story at camp, not only did I get to connect with that boy, but the next day, a very tiny, beautiful, soon-to-be 9th grader named Alicia approached me. She was obviously VERY, VERY nervous, like she was going to back out of what she was going to say at any moment. “Hey Jackie,” she said softly, “can I talk to you sometime?” I said absolutely and asked when would work best for her. She wanted some time, so we agreed to talk later. She was potentially so scared and fragile at that moment that she could only draw the courage to ASK to talk, not actually talk. So later that day, we sat down and she shared with me about her struggle with anorexia. She had taken my offer of vulnerability the night before when I shakily shared MY struggles, and decided to be vulnerable with me in return. By the end of the week, this frightened little girl shared her story with the entire camp. She and I were able to develop a special bond that week and have even met up for coffee now that school has started this fall, just to catch up and encourage each other. I emailed her this weekend to make sure it was ok that I shared her story with you, and I asked her how she felt when she shared with me and the camp, and she replied, “When I got up and shared with the camp and you about my struggles it was like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders and I felt free to be the real me and not have to put on a mask or try to be the person who I'm not. At first I felt really nervous and scared but once I started talk[ing] I developed a sense of peace inside of me and I could feel God's presence right there with me.”

You may wonder: does this really affect everybody? I know some people who REALLY do “have it together.” That’s fine; I agree that there are people who are confident in who they are in Christ Jesus and are living in great freedom. But don’t discount a person because you think they have things together. My friend NAME is one of the most JOYFUL people I know. She is beautiful and has a huge heart for youth. When I wondered if everyone had something to share, she was the person I thought probably wouldn’t. She was truly, truly joyful. And she is. I told her that she was the healthiest person I knew. She laughed.

It was much later – this past August – we were talking about this – this chapel message that I was planning to share with students this fall – when I stepped up and shared my story about my OCD. In turn, this lovely young woman broke down and in tears told me about her struggle with binge eating. The experience of taking off our masks with each other and being REAL has bonded me to her in deeper ways than our friendship had ever experienced before.

Being real with Alicia allowed me to establish a deeper friendship with her than I would have otherwise. And my fellow OCD-sufferer! -- what a blessing it is to share OCD stories with him, a friend who GETS it! Together, he and I are even able to LAUGH at the disorder! I would not have this joy without having put myself on the line and sharing my story with him first.

There are other stories! This whole fall has almost been an experiment to me – sharing my own story with others and allowing it to attract that in other people. Sometimes they share; sometimes they don’t. And it’s ok. At camp I was so worried about what people would think, but already, I’m becoming more and more comfortable with sharing. It is good for me, and it is good for others.

So – I encourage you to share with each other! I understand that things are not perfect in this world and that sometimes we get burned by other people. Let’s really quick examine what a Christian community SHOULD look like, according to Scripture.

Ephesians 4:25 says, “Therefore, laying aside falsehood, speak truth each one of you with his neighbor, for we are members of one another.” WOW.

Verse 32 says, “Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ has also forgiven you.”

Colossians 3:12-13 says, “So, as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience; bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you.”

1 Thessalonians 5:14-15 says, “We urge you, brethren, admonish the unruly, encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with everyone. See that no one repays another with evil for evil, but always seek after that which is good for one another and for all people.”

Let’s share so that we can move toward healing and wholeness. My challenge to you is two-fold. One, let’s get real with EACH OTHER. Let’s be vulnerable with our brothers and sisters in Christ Jesus and allow them to be vulnerable with us. Let’s develop a community of grace and forgiveness where people feel free to share. Two, let’s become more grounded in Who God Says We Are. Be in the Bible, folks! Learn about who you are in Jesus Christ. People WILL fail us, and so we must be grounded and strong in our identity.